argyle_s: (Default)
Title: The Diary of Jane
Author: Argyle_S
Pairing: Jane/Maura
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Rating: NC-17
Length: About 27,000 Words
Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance.
Warnings: Explicit sex. Pregnant Sex. BDSM. Branding. Mentions of sexual assault.
Summary: Three weeks after the incident with Dennis, Maura has to fly to D.C. for the weekend to consult on a case, but she leaves something behind for Jane. Her journal, which contains a series of letters she's written to Jane over the months since the two settled their argument over Doyle's shooting. Letters she's been too afraid to show Jane.


I looked up from the pan of bacon as Ma walked in, carrying Tony.

“Morning, Ma.”

“Morning,” Ma said, and I rolled my eyes. Her tone meant she was still pissed about me not sharing the contents of the envelope with her. Considering the explicit nature of the content, I was really glad I hadn't. Besides, I had a feeling she was about to get distracted. I've heard that your kid coming out was a bit of a shock.

I'd considered waiting, talking with Maura first, but I knew that was a bad idea. I knew me. The longer I waited to do this, the tougher it would get. I'd build it up in my mind as something to be afraid of. Then I'd get panicky. Then I'd put it off. Then there would be a screaming match when Ma walked in on me doing Maura on the kitchen counter.

Fuck if I was gonna sneak around with Maura like I was a damn teenager.

“You want breakfast, Ma? I made enough for two.” I was a little surprised at how normal the question came out.

“Well, if you're willing to share.”

I laughed and shook my head as I divided the bacon and eggs onto a couple of plates. I had to wait a few seconds for the toast to pop, but I dropped a couple of pieces on each plate, then picked them up and carried them over to the table.

“How was my little man last night?” I asked as I dropped a kiss on Tony's head.

Ma smiled up at me as I set a plate in front of her. “He was a little fussy. I think he missed you and Maura.”

I dropped down in the seat directly across from Ma. “I can understand that. I miss Maura too.”

“She'll be back tomorrow.”

“I know.” I looked at Ma and took a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves, which were suddenly very... nervy. It had been one thing to decide I was going to come out to Ma, to make jokes about it in my head. But now that the moment was there, and I was sitting across from my very Catholic mother, telling her I was about to start dating my female best friend was a little scary.

“I kind of wanted to talk to you about that,” I said, deciding to ease into it.

“Why? Is something the matter?”

“No, I mean, I...” I took another deep breath. I was Jane Rizzoli. I was awesome. I tackled two hundred pound men without a thought. I broke furniture over the heads of meth crazed gang bangers. I had this. “I think it's a good thing, but I'm not sure how you'll feel about it.”

Or maybe not. Jesus, I was about as smooth as sand paper.

“Feel about what?”

“Okay, you've got to promise not to yell.” I had to fight the urge to roll my eyes at herself. God, this was pathetic.

Ma glared at her. “Spit it out, Jane.”

“Oh, come on, Ma. It's not that easy, okay.” I closed my eyes, reaching up and pinching the bridge of my nose. I could do this. I could. I'd just say it. Me and Maura were in love. Me and Maura were a couple.

How hard could it be? I'd say it, and then tomorrow, I'd get to make out with Maura on the couch. There would be a lot of groping, and maybe some sex. Not sex on the couch, because Ma and Frankie both have keys, but definitely some sex. Maura sex. In the bedroom.

Totally worth it.

I opened my eyes and looked at Ma, who was still glaring at me. It gave me a whole new level of appreciation for my first date at Merch. What was her name? Miranda? No, Mary Ann. Maybe. She'd told me her coming out story.

How had she done it? Oh yeah. She'd done it by voice mail. That suddenly seemed like a really good option. I'd call Ma's cell phone and wait for the tone. Then I'd just say it.

I'd say, “Ma, I'm gay.”

I slapped my hand over my mouth. Shit. I'd said that out load. What the hell?

I watched Ma for a minute. She just sat there, her mouth hanging open. The longer it went on, the more nervous I got.

Okay, I could still fix this. How do I fix this?

“Oh, God,” I said. I buried my face in my hands. “That wasn't what I meant to say,”

“Well, what did you mean to say?” Ma asked in a surprisingly quiet tone of voice.

“Um, okay, it was what I meant to say, but not how I meant to say it.” Jesus H. Christ. When did I turn into such a babbling idiot? I moved my hands so I could see Ma's face. I expected her to be red faced with rage, but she just looked a little confused.

“Sweetie, calm down.”

Okay, that was a good sign, right? “You're not upset?” I asked.

“No, Jane. I'm a little confused, because you're babbling like your uncle Lenny after his second bottle of wine. I'm guessing this has something to do with Maura?”

I nodded, feeling a lot of the tension fade away. “Yes.”

“Tell me everything, sweetie.”

I felt myself blush, and I shook my head. There was no way on earth I was telling Ma everything. I took another deep breath. I could do this. It was like making a statement to the press. Tell the truth, just leave out the details you don't want made public. Like all the graphic descriptions of kinky sex. I did it all the time. Not the kinky sex part, although I wouldn't mind doing that all the time. The talking to the press part.

God, I really did sound like uncle Lenny after too much booze.

Okay, Ma wasn't mad. She wasn't upset at all. This was good. Now, I just needed to calm the fuck down.

“That envelope she left me last night had a journal in it. She's been writing me letters for a while. Months. Since right after we fought.”

Ma nodded and reached over, gently rocking the baby carrier as Tony started to fuss.

“She left a note, asking me to read the letters while she was out of town. She said she wanted to tell me about them in person, but she was too nervous. She was afraid I'd take it badly.” I shrugged.

“The letters are all about how much she loves me.” I looked down, taking a moment to think about it. “I don't know, Ma. I think she was right. You know me. I hate talking about feelings, and the stuff in that journal was all about how she felt. If she'd tried to talk to me about it, I probably would have completely freaked out, but when I read those letters, I couldn't run away. I couldn't refuse to listen.”

“They were beautiful, Ma. I didn't think anyone would ever feel that way about me, but there it was, page after page.” I blinked, trying to clear my eyes and was a little surprised when I felt tears spill down my cheeks. I reached up and wiped them away. “God, I feel like I spent half the night crying. I can't seem to stop.”

Ma reached across the table, resting her hand on my forearm and squeezing it.

“It's okay to cry sometimes, Janie. It doesn't mean you're weak.”

I nodded. “I know, Ma. I just feel a little ridiculous, you know. I should be happy. I am happy, but I can't stop crying.”

Ma nodded, and squeezed my arm again. “Sweetie, can I ask you something?”


“You're talking a lot about how Maura feels, and how much she loves you. How do you feel? Is this what you want?”

The question surprised me a little, but then, Ma did that sometimes. Skipped straight past the bullshit to what was important. I just nodded. “Yeah. God, Ma, you have no idea. I didn't realize it until I read those letters, but I think I've wanted this for a long time. I think I've been in love with her for at least a couple of years. I...”

I stopped when I realized I didn't know how to explain it. I just didn't have the words. But I knew who did. “Hold on a second.”

Before Ma could say anything, I got up and practically ran to Maura's bedroom, and picked up the journal. I took a minute, thumbing through it to find the letter I wanted, then marked the page and went back to the table. I sat down and opened the journal again, skimming until I found the portion of the letter I was looking for.

“When I look at you, I am always looking East, and it is always dawn, because you are the sun of my world, rising over the horizon, filling every dark corner with the most beautiful light of the day. When I hear you, I am in a Jazz club in new Orleans, listening to the whiskey soaked voice, because you are the music, washing over me, giving voice to every feeling that's ever touched my heart. When I smell you, I am always wandering through a field of lavender, drowning in the scent, because you are my spring, bringing everything back to life. When I touch you, I am in a Paris market, running my fingers over the finest down comforter, because I know what when I need it, you will wrap me in warmth and safety.”

I skipped the last line of that paragraph, because as beautiful as it was, I was not going to talk to Ma about how Maura wanted to taste me. No way, no how.

“I can name hormones, diagram chemical reactions and explain behavioral patterns all day long, but it's all meaningless to me when I try to understand you. I can only understand and define you in the language of poets. When I'm with you, even when I think of you, all the songs, poems and sonnets who's meaning eluded me my whole life suddenly make sense.”

“And it hurts so much I just want to cry.”

“I lost my biological mother tonight, for the second time. I lost a sister I didn't know I had, and never dreamed of. I should be feeling that, but I'm not. I'm laying in bed, weeping because I wanted so much for you to stay and hold me, and you left. I know it's not your fault. I've never asked, because I just don't know how, but I want to ask so badly, my love. I want to hold your head in my hands as I look you in the eyes and tell you I love you, and beg you to love me back, and to never walk out of my door to go back to your apartment again.

“I want you to be mine. My partner, my love, my life, my Jane.”

I closed the journal and looked up, and was surprised to see Ma crying.


Ma reached up, wiping the tears away. “I'm sorry. It's just... You're right. That is beautiful.”

I nodded. “That's how I feel about her, too. I might not be able to phrase it as nicely, but I don't feel like my day has started until I see her, and when she's not with me, it's like something is missing. I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out. Maybe I was lying to myself because I didn't think she'd feel the same way, or maybe I'm just an idiot, but... I want this, Ma. I love her. I love her so much that the thought of not having her terrifies me.”

Ma gave me a big, watery smile. “I'm happy for you, Janie. I'm happy for you both.”

I didn't really know what to say. I'd expected a fight, maybe a screaming match, but hearing those words from Ma meant the world to me, and all I could do was get up, walk around the table, and pull Ma into a hug.

“I love you,” Ma said.

“I love you, too.”

The Diary of Jane Chapter List
Chapter 01
Chapter 02
Chapter 03
Chapter 04
Chapter 05
Chapter 06
Chapter 07
Chapter 08
Chapter 09
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15

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