argyle_s: (Default)
Title: The Diary of Jane
Author: Argyle_S
Pairing: Jane/Maura
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Rating: NC-17
Length: About 27,000 Words
Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance.
Warnings: Explicit sex. Pregnant Sex. BDSM. Branding. Mentions of sexual assault.
Summary: Three weeks after the incident with Dennis, Maura has to fly to D.C. for the weekend to consult on a case, but she leaves something behind for Jane. Her journal, which contains a series of letters she's written to Jane over the months since the two settled their argument over Doyle's shooting. Letters she's been too afraid to show Jane.


My Beloved Jane,

I want so much to say that there was a time I knew how to live my life without you, but I know that it would be the worst sort of lie. A lie told to myself. Before you came into my life, the world was hollow, without real color or true beauty. I wandered through days, months and years without true connection to that vital spark which seems to give shape and form solidity and reality.

Because I never had it, I never missed it. I never realized that I lived my life, swaddled in a protective layer of detachment and isolation. My greatest passions were always held at arms length, while my greatest pains were dull, crushing forces, grinding me down so slowly I hardly realized they were there.

When you walked into my life, you tore it all away, and with the protections I'd cultivated so carefully stripped from me, I found the world a place of hard edges and rough corners, with a seemingly limitless supply of sharp, jagged pain. And yet, despite the wounds, I found my life to be so much happier, so much richer and so much fuller than I ever imagined it could be. I no longer cared if I pricked myself on the thorns, if I could bury my nose in the petals of the rose and truly drink in their perfume, instead of simply catching the faintest whiff at arms length.

Tonight, though, I feel as if I'm falling towards the depths of a briar patch, unable to reach even a single bloom.

Perhaps the words of my biological mother, the first of the thorns to cut me, were true. Perhaps I am evil. I should not feel this way. I should not feel as if I'm watching my own, torturous destruction rushing headlong toward me, but I do, and I've done everything I can to speed it along.

I spoke truly before. Casey doesn't deserve you. He doesn't understand how wonderful, special and precious you are. If he did, he would not have hurt you. I would not have denied you something you wanted. If he deserved you, he would not be able to deny you anything.

I know I don't deserve you either. How could I, when I have within me the capacity to hate Casey, for the sole crime of receiving your affections? I have never found jealousy the least bit attractive or admirable, but these past few weeks I burn with it, every time I think back to that night you met him at the Dirty Robber. I long to be the one you love, the one you entrust with the care of your heart, no matter that I've already proven unworthy of that lofty station.

But no matter how unworthy I may have proven in the past, I'm determined not to fail you in this. I will dive into the thorns, willing and naked, and place your hand in Casey's if that is what it takes you make you happy. I will swallow my own desires and never let you know how I'm choking on them, if only to see you smile.

And all I want in return, though I will not ask for it, nor blame you if you do not give it, is that you forgive me for wishing I could take his place at your side.

With all my love,

I closed my eyes, trying to avoid the pain I'd seen in Maura's writing, and hating myself just a little.

There aren't a lot of things that can make me feel unworthy or undeserving. I'm Jane fucking Rizzoli. I might be some blue collar Southie, but I'd worked my way up, reaching the top of my profession. I was the youngest officer ever promoted to the rank of detective in the BPD. I was the first woman to ever work in the drug control unit. I wasn't just a detective, I was a homicide detective, and I wasn't just a homicide detective, I was the homicide detective with the highest closure rate in BPD. Every award, every commendation, I earned.

But Maura's letter, that made me feel unworthy. Whether I'd intended to or not, I'd hurt Maura, and it wasn't the first time.

Maura loved me, and I hadn't seen it. Worse, I'd paraded my disaster of a love life in front of her, and counted on her for comfort and support after each catastrophe.

God, I was a detective. I was supposed to notice things like that. I was supposed to observe people and understand their motives and behaviors. How the hell did I miss it? Did I deliberately ignore it so I wouldn't have to deal with the consequences?

I opened my eyes and looked at the journal again, wondering if there was a letter where Maura explained how she could look at me, day after day, and not hate me for being such an insensitive bitch.

The Diary of Jane Chapter List
Chapter 01
Chapter 02
Chapter 03
Chapter 04
Chapter 05
Chapter 06
Chapter 07
Chapter 08
Chapter 09
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15

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